gerbal boy's sad stories

libra & aquarius

Libra is attracted to the detached cool of Aquarius, and comfortable with that airy 'friends' approach at first. The Waterbearer oohs and aahs over Libra's way with style, and graceful public demeanor. Aquarius is more at home among friends, while Libra likes to do things as a twosome. They're both social animals, and that colors how they spend vacations and weekends. But Libra likes to be romantically wooed, even in a committed partnership, and will want some time alone with Aquarius to rekindle the spark.
                                                                       Love Match - Libra and AquariusLevitating Love
                                                                                                                                           By Molly Hall, About.com

I might be a little selfish but being a lone with aquarius just makes me smile. 
round two. 

I'm addicted to fast cars and aged wine.
It just boggles my mind.

but the curse is still real. 
this is my third date I need seven to get her out of my mind.
The one who shall not be named.

third week comes and I'm shattered once again.
A cycle of desperation and sadness.

Likeness comes and touches me teases me
and then just like that it releases me.
whatever it takes.
As long as it is what I can take.

a new criteria for me to fall in love:

1.  has weird name.
2.  has good humor
3.  has no time
4.  gives me three weeks
5.  never picks up her phone.

I got drunk last night because I was feeling the most lowest ever.  The girl that I'm in love with, I'm avoiding, because honestly the energy that I have for her is so strong and just totally unreasonable to the least.  I don't know why I think about her when she obviously doesn't even have the mutual feeling that I possess.  I get sucked up in the moment, thinking maybe things will be different but deep down inside, I'm just torturing myself.  I love the feeling of her looking in my eyes and smiling.  But she never said any words of affection to me.  She just wanted me because I was the rebound.  Life's a bitch I thought.  I wish I really amounted to something more to her.  But all I could do is whine and get drunk.

This is what happens when I'm drunk and sad:

I was in my inebriated stupor and just was stupid without inhibitions.  I wanted no regret last night.  I kept on going.  Getting dissed every girl did not want to even talk to me.  I was a little frustrated, desperate, and just plain old depressed.  I went to this girl who was 5'10".  I knew failure.  It was my nick name that night.  I asked her about her tatoo.  She turned around and smiled.  I smiled back at the giant and couldn't see her face because her breasts were hiding it.  I only wish that I would dance with these type of women.  But with the dissing streak I've been having I knew it was just fun to approach.

To my surprise her friend and her remembered me.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was speechless.
I smiled and started dancing with them.  Big girls are really breaking me off.  I swear my back is still hurting from what they were doing to me.  I didn't even comprehend what kind of dance it was.  It was more of a kama sutra then anything else.  I was astounded and relieved that I finally had a dance that night.  But I swear I had to make her sit down just so she could be the same height as me.  My short stature made me just put my face where her chest was located.  Luckily she had a v-neck shirt, I dove right in past her sweet perfume and her cleavage.  I whispered in her ear and said that her neck could be filled with hickies.  She said NO.  I was like what the hell, denied again.  Then I stated that her grinding will make her pregnant.  She said NO.  Denied twice?  Then I stated I would love to kiss a giant and she said NO!  Denied Thrice.  I blacked out and my night was over. 

Three denies and I'm out cold.
depression.  alcohol.   sadness ensues.

weakSpeak addicted to going out and meeting new people.  Saw a lady, yearning for someone to dance with.  Did she give a negative vibe he thought?  Why were her friends not acknowledging the fact that she needed a dance partner?  All these thoughts raced through his mind.  Trying to find a common conversational starter. 

He knew one thing, she needed a dancer.  Then he started thinking if she's taken.  If her boyfriend is the room.  If she wanted to dance with him.  All those were indicators of not approaching, but he didn't care, its weakSpeak, he doesn't care who he talks with.

He creeps up on her and states.
weakSpeak:  Where's your dance partner?
stranger:  I don't know.
weakSpeak:  (with arrogance)  I'm your partner, come I'll show you some stuff.

They danced.  He asked where her boyfriend is. 
stranger:  He's not here.
weakSpeak starts to leave until she tried to justify herself.
stranger:  No, I mean,  he's at home.  No I mean, I don't have one.
weakSpeak:  Are you lying to me?
stranger:  No I don't have one.

weakSpeak knows for a fact this stranger just lied to him.  Very dangerous, weakSpeak could have been stabbed if her boyfriend found out. 

The fourth insight is one that is captivating to me.
The struggle of power and how one needs it to complete a fullfillment of
energy.

That is why making someone feel dumb makes one feel superior.
winning a debacle creates a sense of accomplishment.

The sense of lashing out, is a way of self control. 
The control for energy that is escaping ones body.

Giving energy is a way that makes a conversation,
a connection, a relationship work.
But giving too much is costly.
making a conversation turn into an argument.
disconnecting a connection.
breaking of a relationship.

The battle for energy, an unknown, untangible entity,
makes people feel better, superior, competent, and a master
of one's own environment.

I know now, why sometimes I feel burnt out,
my energy stock has run low.
Hence I need a quick fix by a nonsense but
very satisfying conversation with a complete stranger.
A stranger who is willing to give its energy to me,
a drunken alcoholic with problems of the darkest kind.

weakSpeak recently went to a club, totally hammered and plastered and shit housed.

He contemplated how his night was going to end, he just let things flow in, as women

dispersed away from him, he decided that what he makes of his night will be what

he will get.  He started to believe that he was a god and that his mind was his temple,

whatever he believed in that night was going to be realiality. 

weakSpeak saw his cousin and approached her without saying hi, he just gave her a hug

and her friends too.  Not knowing of the consequences of his actions he did exactly what his

desires demanded.  The goal that night for him was to dance with his cousin's friend.  With his

goal achieved he moved on and started looking for a group of women to have a great conversation, for

his goal in life besides having meaningless sex was also to have meaningless conversations.

weakSpeak:  Hey, lemme dance with you. (he speaks with the lady)

lady:  (smiles) I am with my friend, why won't you dance with my friend.

weakSpeak:  (why is she setting me up with her friend, I want to dance with her)  Look, are you sober?

lady:  (smiles)  I'm designated driver. (she shows weakspeak her glass of water)

weakSpeak:  Alright, I guess I won't talk to you tonight.  (He approaches lady_02)

lady_02:  hi.  (weakSpeak just approached her and started dancing without even saying anything,

only knowing that her friend told her to dance with her so he did.)

weakSpeak:  You're friend said I can dance with you.  She's designated driver so yah, I rather

dance with someone who is drunk.

lady_02:  Does she even know you?

weakSpeak:  Yes.

lady:  No, I don't even know him.  (the two women stop dancing with him)

weakSpeak:  (stupid to the fact that they were giving him a "shit-test" he told his name and they got acquainted.)

So you're name is Nakamora?

lady:  That's not nice. 

weakSpeak:  (really into total assumptions and stereotypes)  What.  Aren't you Japanese?

lady:  Yes, but still, you're filipino.

weakSpeak:  (thinking he was not any type of ethnicity he just complied)  Yes.  (but with his smart background and misunderstanding of history he starts his misinterpretation of it)  Look, you owe me a dance, you conquered my country.

lady:  (feeling guilty)  ok. 

weakSpeak:  (without any hesitation, he grabs her hips and grinds himself into her.  Going with the same beat, he leans over and whispers in her ear behind her thick hair and says:)  You dance better than your friend.  I like you.

lady:  be nice, thats my friend.

weakSpeak:  I am, I'm just saying. Hold on... (he leaves her and goes with the lady_02 and starts dancing with her more intently.)

lady_02:  Hey.  (inebriated, drunk, not knowing what she really is doing or what weakSpeak is doing she dances.)

weakSpeak:  (observes her carefully and analyzes something beyond comprehension.  My God, he thinks.  She's beautiful, her smile, her facial structure, her eyes, all the manifestations of beauty.  Before falling in love, weakSpeak wanted both these women.)  Look, you're friend could dance really good, better than you.  Obviously.  But honestly you have something she doesn't.  Your smile, its awesome.  I could just look at you until you grow grey and old.  It would be something that I would never get tired of.  (He doesn't whisper this into her ear, weakSpeak's lips touches her cheek close enough to the side of her gentle soft lips.  Almost kissing her, but feeling hesistant, weakSpeak backs away and lets her realize what just happened.)

lady:  Hey, be nice to my friend.  I know what you're doing.  (pulling weakSpeak off of her drunk and incoherent friend.)

weakSpeak:  Fine, but I'm not dancing by myself, come here.  (He grabs both of the women and starts dancing with him. He wanted a wing man, but at that moment, he was going to get into both of them.  If only he was ready for this night.) 

conversation_01

A struggling woman, mid thirties, voluptuous, beautiful, and totally lost.  She struggles as she tries to pass weakSpeak and his friends.  WeakSpeak sees this and offers for help, conversation_01 occurs.

weakSpeak:  Are you lost?   I could help you find where you want to go, I know this place fairly well.
lostWoman:  No, I'm actually deciding where if I should go to class or go to the business room.
weakSpeak:  Thats easy what are you going to do?
lostWoman:  I need to study.
weakSpeak:  Easy.  (not listening to the choices that she was thinking about, he offers what he thinks best for
                    studying.)  Go to the the library, on the sixth floor where there are lots of quiet areas and the windows
                    just shine through...
lostWoman:  What are you?  You must be in marketing.  (she smiles, touching weakSpeak's arm as she says this.)
weakSpeak:  Well, I just wanted to help you on where you should study.  And no I am not in marketing, I'm in art, I do alot of artwork and handjobs.  (Wait did he just mention handjob?)  I do a lot of those, more for purposes of art.  [lost woman appears shocked knowing that a handjob only refers to something totally sexual.]  (weakSpeak tries to keep the conversation going by explaining what a handjob is.)  Thats where I use my fingers to do the job/ art.

lostWoman:  (looks relieved)  Oh...  Well I gotta go.  I'll see you later.
weakSpeak:  O.k.  Oh watch out for that cart. 

The lostWoman, totally distraught, tries to recollect herself as the conversation went from a common helping gesture to a sexually driven ideology mixed with art.  At awe she tries to walk away from weakSpeak only to bump into a cart.

weakSpeak speaks in strange tongues.  Only to put complete strangers in completely out of the box conversations.
01/100 weakSpeak conversations.
 

I've been a little upset lately.
Karma points, 
I wanted to date these women,
but they flake on me.  Always.

Its because of my ugly nature,
both physically and emotionally.

Everyone I dated flaked on me,
everyone.  Its what happens
when they realize that I'm just
the biggest joke, living in this
earth.

fml

unveiling secrets are sometimes tough to handle.

My brother's girlfriend told me a secret that
I don't really mind now, but I think about it
and it makes me wonder.

I am a total tool!
A total fool too.

I was dating this one girl for three weeks,
{3wk curse}

At that moment we were dating,
I knew for a fact that we weren't
going further than a spring fling.

But the secret revealed that she
thought that my other brother
was attractive and was going
to use me to get close to him.

To be honest, he is.  I sometimes
wish I had his features,
but we're all given the hand we're dealt
with and we just have to deal with it.

Now, I know for a fact that
that girl just gave me a chance.
A second chance if anything.
It kinda breaks my ego a little.

Which just brings me to my
recurring theme of how I'm just
a destined ugly mess.

The girls I meet would date me,
just so they could get closer to my
brother.

kudos to my brother,
foolish for me to think these
women ever wanted to do anything
with me.

fml.

My brother is training for a marathon,
while in that duration,
I will accompany him in his quest.

A vision quest.
I started running today.
It took me an hour and thirty minutes
to finish a thirty minute route.

fml.